


On the Threshold of a Dream

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Series: The Threshold Universe [1]
Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 02:39:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19347841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: Sam's leap onto a 1970s college campus leads to revelations about himself, life, the universe... and maybe a way home?





	On the Threshold of a Dream

**Author's Note:**

> First part of my "Threshold Universe," written in 1994 and originally published in the fanzine "Quantum Fire."

May 8, 1970:

 

_...There ya go, man--keep as cool as you can_

_Face piles of trials with smiles_

_It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave_

_And keep on thinking free..._

_\-- **Moody Blues**_

 

 

When I leaped in, all I saw was blinding light. At least I thought I leaped in somewhere...  I stared at the hazy yellow glow in a kind of numbed awe, as its warmth seeped into my soul and infused it with peace. It reminded me of...heaven. Not that I've ever been there. I don't think...  Maybe the in-between time Al told me about was spent here, only to be forgotten when I left.

I was brought out of my imagination gently. The sounds of birds filtered in, the smell of freshly cut grass whispered on the light breeze which ruffled my hair just slightly to announce its presence. My eyes focused enough to send to the message of reality to my brain, which relayed its interpretation. I was laying on my back in the grass, staring up at the sun shining through the tree branches.

Something tickled me lightly on the face. I turned my head, blinking. A young man sat cross-legged at my side, blade of grass in his hand the instrument of the tickling I was receiving.

He wore a mischievous smile, which fit as well as the pants that looked like they were splashed with purple and pink paint. Topping those off was a tunic of abstract patterns. A dusting of down-like hair peeked out from his open shirt. His style of dress reminded me a little of Al. Although, Al never wore his pants that snug, or his shirt half-buttoned. And the hair was dark brown, wavy, just kissing the broad shoulders.

I smiled at him.

If his appearance didn't give me a clue as to approximate year I was in, his words would have. "You trippin' on something Neil, or just groovin' on nature?"

"...Just groovin'...I think." I hoped. I glanced up at the sun again. "For a minute, the sun reminded me of heaven."

"Oh, he's gonna make a great subject when we start our experiments," another voice piped up. "Quasi-religious symbolism rears its ugly head to prove the All-Mighty is busy at work collecting new souls."

The speaker was the older of my two companions, I guessed in his mid-forties. He was dressed somewhat more conservatively, in black jeans and a white V-neck shirt. His eyes had a crazy look to them, but not the kind you cross to the other side of the street to avoid. This was the kind which automatically caused you to break into a grin of expectation. The eyes of a genius, tempting you with promise of unexpected discoveries.

"And what do you think caused most of those so-called religious experiences, Jesse?" my young friend asked him.

It was odd, but even though I'd just leaped in, I was able to join the conversation easily. It was a refreshing switch from my usual fumbling around. "That's true," I found myself saying. "Both the Eastern mystics and the Native Americans--to name a few--routinely used hallucinogens for religious purposes." I gestured to the joint in Jesse's hand. "It's us self-obsessed modern Americans who have reduced it to excessive 'recreational' use."

"I couldn't agree more," Jesse said, passing me the joint.

"Oh boy..." I muttered under my breath. I tried my best to pretend to take a drag, while actually inhaling as little as possible. This could be a problem leap...

Jesse continued. "It's scary to think of all these untrained, inexperienced kids using LSD just to avoid life. The 'drop out' bullshit. When it should be studied by professionals and used in positive ways. Once use gets out of control, the government decides to abandon it altogether," he said with regret.

The young man took his turn and passed the joint back to Jesse. "What I want to know is--was that their plan from the beginning?"

"You're being 'paranoid' again, Chris," Jesse chuckled.

"I doubt they wanted a nation of drugged-out war protesters, with the Vietnam war going on," I said.

"Still," Jesse countered, "they did make their own bed."

"Huh?"

"I mean if it wasn't for their wonderful experiments in the VA hospitals, people like Ken Kesey wouldn't have spread the LSD to the population."

"VA hospital?" I couldn't contain my curiosity.

It was Chris who answered me, contempt clear in his voice. "Yeah. And regardless of what they say, those experiments were probably done on unsuspecting victims, like the CIA did. They've always done stuff like that. Remember that brain-washing research they did in the fifties? People suffered brain damage, at the CIA's hands--and they club and brutalize those who oppose the war and choose to do drugs!"

"But..." Choose to ruin their lives, was what I wanted to say. And I tried. Tried to come up with the arguments. But I was stuck on the idea of those people being unknowingly used. The government did feel it had a right to choose for us--while denying us our free choice. "They did?" I ended up muttering.

They were chilling facts. Reminding me of just how much the government did what was against the human decency I believe in. Sure, Project Quantum Leap was government, but I wasn't duped into it. I made that choice and lived with the consequences. At least nobody was slipping drugs into my food.

Of course, Al would 'love' this guy. Chris obviously hated the government with a passion. And I didn't think military would be far behind on his hit parade. 

"Enough of this crap," Jesse announced, getting to his feet. "I'm tired of going around the issue like a rat in a maze. Besides, I've got a class to teach--unlike some of us who are done for the day," he commented to me pointedly. "See you at the house tonight."

I watched him walk across what I now knew to be a college campus. This guy was a teacher? I was a teacher?

"Can I go with you?"

"Huh?" I asked, turning my attention to Chris.

"To the house tonight. I know I'm only a lowly student, but I did volunteer. I figure that entitles me to be a part of the preliminary preparations--even if Jesse does think I'm too radical."

"Uh--sure."

Chris brightened. "Great. I'll meet you at your place at six." He slapped my knee as he rose. "And remember--be on guard for them--you never know what they're up to." He winked and bounded off.

You never know what they're up to... That phrase would repeat itself inside my head in the days to come. I didn't know it at the time, but the seeds of enlightenment had been planted. And it was due to rain.

I wandered around the campus, doing my own homework of finding my office, locating a class schedule. One of the first things I did was find a mirror. It was always on my priority list when I leaped in.

My hair was black and curly, just short enough to placate the school board, I was sure. I was dressed in the same unobtrusive yet bold style of clothes as Jesse, a yellow V-neck shirt with a pair of red pants. I looked near Jesse's age, but with a face that had held its youthful appearance well. A heavy silver peace sign hung from my neck. A sign of the times that the youth wore as the devout did crosses.

While inside my office, I was amazed to learn I was a professor in possession of a couple of degrees. One of them was in political science--I was going to have a lot of bluffing to do, along with plenty of studying. Luckily though, I only taught one poly-sci course. The other was in chemistry, which, if my swiss-cheese brain cooperated, I should be able to muddle through. It was an interesting combination of courses. It seemed Neil Gilbert, my host, was almost as diverse as myself.

Al hadn't shown yet, so I gathered up a stack of books that looked as if they might come in handy, and started out to find my house.

 

*****

 

_Wonderful day passing my way_

_Knock on my door and even the score with your eyes_

_Lovely to see you again my friend_

_Walk along with me to the next bend..._

 

 

To call what I lived in a house was an exaggeration. It was more like a small apartment which was pretending to be a house. It was diversely decorated, and had an impressive library across one whole wall. I hoped I wouldn't be in the leap long, I dreaded all the reading I might end up doing just to hold my own as a man who was supposed to be an expert on political issues. In keeping with my luck, that subject seemed to be the most swiss-cheesed at the moment.

First things first though; I was hungry. I made a sandwich, grabbed a can of Fresca and took them into the living room with me. There I propped my feet up on the coffee table, next to the infamous lava lamp.

"How could I live without one of those!" I muttered, shaking my head.

"Live without what?" a voice asked, as the Imaging Chamber doorway opened and Al stepped through.

"My own personal hologram. I hope you come bearing good news?" Okay, so it was almost the same as saying I couldn't live without him, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

"Fresca!" Al suddenly exclaimed. "They just don't make Fresca like they used to," he sighed regretfully.

He was stalling. "Al..."

"Good is a relative term, don't you think?" he answered evasively.

"Oh boy..." I grumbled. "Okay, let's simplify things. I know who I am and what I do. Anything else?"

"You know the date?" Al asked, and I nodded. "The atmosphere around here these days is very volatile. In fact, a nation-wide campus student strike is in the workings--you may get lucky and not have a class to teach. Otherwise, this isn't a very hot-shot college, more like a place for the losers who couldn't get into the better schools--or didn't care."

"How did I--Neil end up here?"

"How do you think?" he surprised me by asking.

But as I thought over my day, I formed a possible answer. "His political views?"

"Good guess. But I don't want you to get too complacent--think you don't need me anymore--so here's something you don't know. Jesse Chance, Neil's associate, leaves the staff in a week. Neil himself is gone after two months. We don't know why just yet, it's taking Ziggy a little while to pry it out of the files."

"Am I here to save their careers?"

"So far, Ziggy's giving that scenario a 50%"

"Do you have anything on Chris--I don't know his last name."

"That narrows it down," he regarded me mildly.

"Wait a minute..." I shuffled among the papers on the small desk in the corner, and came up with an address book. After a short search, I found it. "Here it is, Chris Erskin. He's a student."

Al checked the link and shook his head. "Nada. You think he might figure prominently?"

I shrugged.

"Well, I'll keep an eye out, just in case."

"I think they're doing some sort of experiments, I have a feeling it might involve drugs."

Al's eyes narrowed in alarm. "That should help Ziggy pull something up. I'm going back and check into it."

I heard a banging on the door, followed by Chris opening it and walking in. He slung an arm around my neck in greeting as he collapsed beside me. "Ready to go, Neil?"

I glanced at Al, who was watching us closely. "Yeah."

Al called up his doorway. "I'll be back as soon as I know anything." He pointed his cigar at me. "You be careful, I don't like this."

 

* * *

 

The night was a fascinating one.

Contrary to what I'd been afraid of, neither man was a chronic drug user. However, they were in the planning stages of several different experiments with LSD. I went over the research and notes they had, using the excuse of wanting to refresh my memory before we actually began.

We talked things over far into the night. I found out that Jesse had an MD degree, as well as one in psychology. It was a legitimate experiment, I couldn't deny the fact. Illegal maybe, but scientifically valid. They wanted to find ways of using LSD to help society, focusing the bulk of their work on the mentally ill, hoping to glean some better understanding after extensive experimentation.

I had to admit, unlike the government, no one was going to be used unwittingly. In fact, other than Chris, they were using themselves for most of the data. Which, as I pointed out, wasn't an accurate way to run an experiment. They rightly countered that at least it was a start. And until--if--the government allowed them to do their experiments legally, it was the safest way.

Could I find fault with that? Being a scientist myself, I identified with them. And I could think of plenty of more dangerous drugs being tested by--you guessed it--the government. Sometimes used without testing, like Agent Orange. Their message had always been clear--the public shall not be allowed to do anything which might endanger themselves--that's the government's job.

The more Jesse and Chris talked, the more they made sense to me. The only problem was, I knew something they didn't. They would not be allowed to continue the research. Chances were, that's why they ended up having to leave the college. Not everyone was lucky enough to be able to do the research he wanted, I knew this from personal experience. If I hadn't taken the leap and defied the government...well, I didn't want to think about where I might be today. It was just too bad Jesse and the others couldn't get their chance.

Unless that's what I was there for...

 

* * *

 

My first class of the morning was a relief. Like Al predicted, I had a total of two students, one of which was Chris. Although I didn't know how much of that was a result of actual protest rather than just an excuse to cut classes. I let them leave and called it a day.

Chris asked if I wanted to hang out in the park, so I agreed. Despite his age and radical views, I found myself enjoying his company. He had a refreshing sense of humor, with just a touch of pathos to smooth the edges. Even the silences were comfortable, and we spent the first half hour just soaking up nature.

"What's up?" Chris finally asked.

I turned my head to the emerald eyes regarding me warmly. "What do you mean?"

"You may not know this, but I happen to be a mind-reader," he informed me with a teasing smile.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep. And I can tell something is bothering you...besides, it's that furrow between your eyes and the turned down corners of your mouth."

The kid was perceptive, too. I sighed. "I don't know, exactly. I guess...the world's a drag right now, ya know? All this thinking about the government and oppression and the war..."

"Hey--" Chris admonished. "The trick is not to let it get you down. You're alive." He grabbed my hand, pressing it into the grass. "Feel that? The earth is alive and growing. She loves us, even if our 'Uncle Sam' doesn't."

"There's a line from some song...you're alive, you might as well be glad."

He squeezed the hand in his a moment before letting go. "It's a start."

We stayed in the park until almost dusk, then went our separate ways. I might not have been any closer to the reason for the leap, but I had learned something that day.

Chris had a crush on me.

At first I thought I was imagining things, but you can tell when someone is interested in you as more than a friend. I tried to decide how I felt about it. All I could tell at the moment was that I didn't mind. He was a nice kid, and I was kind of flattered. Were he and Neil...? I doubted it, if that were the case then Chris wouldn't be acting so shy. Maybe that was another reason I spotted it, it reminded me of myself when I had a crush on a teacher or one of the girls in my class. I wondered if I'd been that cute about it. Although I suspected not, if I'd had that much charm, Lisa wouldn't have married No-nose.

 

*****

 

_Dark cloud of fear blowing my way_

_Now that you're here you're going to stay_

_And it's lovely to see you again my friend..._

 

Al arrived as I was sitting down to a light dinner.

"Everything go okay last night?" he asked with concern.

"You mean you didn't pop in to check on me--just once?" He didn't usually let me go this long without checking in. Unless there was a new secretary at the Project who needed 'breaking in'.

"Smart ass..." he grumbled. "Yeah, I did. You and your scientist buddies were knee deep in research and theories. I coulda been playing the tuba, and you wouldn't have noticed me. Reminded me a little of the old days," he added somewhat wistfully.

"Did you find out why I'm here??" I asked, as much to erase the sad look from his face as a desire to know.

"We've expanded the possibilities. You were right about Chris. In two days, he dies of a drug overdose."

I choked on my food. "But I'm here to save him...right?" I asked when I'd recovered myself.

"Well, that's only got a 70%."

"Did I ever tell you how sick I am of percentages?" I wondered peevishly.

"There's still a chance you're here to save Neil's career. Or Jesse's."

"Maybe I can do it all."

"My, my, aren't we ambitious this leap," he commented.

"How and where?" I questioned tersely. "He doesn't die in the experiment, does he?"

Al stared at me a minute before answering. "No, he takes a near lethal dose of LSD while alone in his room at the dorm, then decides to fly without a plane. They never knew whether it was suicide or just a bad trip. Are you telling me Neil and Jesse are conducting experiments with LSD?"

I nodded. "Well, not yet, but it's in the planning stages."

He punched some buttons. "Somehow they managed to keep that out of the records. But it's a cinch that's why they were kicked out. Might've even had something to do with Chris's death."

"No," I hastily cut in. He looked at me sharply. "I'm a scientist, Al. What they're doing may not be sanctioned by the law, but it's no better or worse than a lot of experiments. And probably a hell of a lot safer than mine was. They aren't encouraging recreational LSD usage, they're conducting controlled research."

"Yeah, now," Al said snidely. "Did you ever stop to consider there's a reason the government doesn't allow it?"

"Considering they started the whole thing themselves, I can't think of a one," I returned. "As a scientist, I find it valid--provided they have a tight control."

"I can't believe you're saying this, Sam."

"I was reminded of a lot of things in the last couple of days. Remember Wilhelm Reich?"

"Oh, God," Al moaned, rubbing his hands over his eyes. "Sure, him and his famous Orgone Energy Accumulator. Wasn't that the name of a planet on Star Trek?"

"Al--"

"I'm sure he would've made a lot of money conning people on that one."

"No one's ever needed scientific investigation to con people with fake cures. Besides, that's not the point! The point is, we may never know if some of his theories might have been valid--or led to other discoveries, since in 1957 the government decided to smash his equipment with axes, burn his books, throw him in jail, and then ban all his books for good measure. Why, Al? Why were they so anxious to put him out of business? What were they afraid of?"

"Do you know what you sound like?" Al asked me.

"That maybe I don't trust the government? Perish the thought."

"It's not polite to bite the hand that feeds you," Al pointed out.

"I chose to take the candy from strangers, play the game...I don't know what we're arguing about. All I'm trying to say is that these men are scientists, like you and I--not drug dealers."

"Okay, now that you've jumped down my throat defending your buddies, what do you propose to do if it turns out you have to save their careers, and a life, by stopping their 'wonderful' experiments?"

I sagged, the energy gone out of me. "I'm sorry, Al. It's just...it's been so long since I had a good scientific theory to work on, I guess I got a little excited. I know there are some things I can't change. I guess I'll start by making sure Chris is okay, take it from there."

Al nodded. When he spoke, his voice was gentler. "I'll try to narrow things down even more in the meantime."

"Find out all you can on Chris's background. Who his friends are, anything. Same for Neil."

"And Jesse?" he asked, studying me through troubled eyes.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Him too."

 

*****

 

_Talk to me baby, I want to sleep at night_

_My heart is heavy, it's weighed down by the night_

_And now I'm lonely, I want to see the light_

_So deep within you..._

  

The argument with Al had left me infinitely weary. I decided to go to bed early, but my brain refused to join my body. I tried willing myself to relax, a shot of whiskey, counting sheep, covering my ears with the pillow; still the noise inside went on. The only thing to do was listen.

I wondered why I hadn't told Al about Chris's feelings for Neil. There was no reason not to, in fact, it might help clear up the mystery. What made Chris take such a high dose of LSD while alone? He knew better, that much I was sure of. So, unless it was murder...it was suicide. This was the part I didn't want to think about. Did he approach Neil about his feelings, only to be rejected? Hardly a reason for suicide, and Chris didn't strike me as that unstable. Maybe they had a fight...maybe it was just accidental. Even experts have stupid accidents sometimes.

Saving Chris would be the easy part. If I had to sabotage their experiments...I didn't know if I could, as a scientist, bring myself to do something that went against what I believed in. It would make me the worst kind of hypocrite. Every day I changed unwitting people's lives, many more than I was even aware of. Without their permission. Supposedly I had God's...at least that was popular theory. Still, it obviously came from a higher power than the government. And if someone had tried to stop my research when I first started, I would've screamed bloody murder. I kept telling myself I should be able to see a difference in this situation, but I just couldn't.

 

* * *

 

The idea must have come to me in the middle of the night, because it was there waiting for me when I woke up. My mind had assimilated all the information I'd been feeding it since leaping in, and come to one startling conclusion: There was a possibility that, under the influence of LSD, I might be able to come up with the retrieval program to get me home. In that altered state of consciousness, my mind might be open enough to unlock the mystery. This could be the key I'd been looking for.

It hit me with a feeling of rightness I couldn't shake, filling me with possibilities. Maybe that was even the purpose of the leap, next to saving Chris, of course. Like Al had said in the beginning, if I wasn't so swissed, I'd probably be able to figure out how to get myself back to my own time. The knowledge was up there somewhere. I just needed to find a way to dig it out.

Almost without conscious thought, my mind computed all the variables, weighed all the angles. For the first time in forever, I felt like a scientist. Dr. Beckett rose again. The knowledge was a high itself, filling me with that unquenchable desire to cross the bridge into the unknown and unlock its mysteries.

Had I found my way home?

 

*****

 

_I can't think why I never thought of this before_

_Now that I know I found the answer for myself_

_What a day it would be for me_

_To share, share your love_

_To share our love..._

 

The weekend was upon us, and Jesse was away with his girlfriend until Sunday. It seemed I was even being given the time I needed to work out the details of my plan. Al checked in once, but there wasn't much to talk about that we could discuss together. He had no idea what I was planning and, at least for the moment, that's how I wanted it. He told me to have a nice weekend, stick close to Chris, and that he'd check in on Sunday.

I called Chris and suggested we spend the day together. He agreed readily. We went to a freedom speech, afterwards had lunch in a quaint little cafe we stumbled upon. We talked about the topics of the day, but my mind was never too far from the theory Dr. Beckett was working on. What good being a genius if you couldn't concentrate on several things at a time?

We ended up in what had become our favorite place, the park near campus. As we lounged on the grass, sunlight glowed above us, and the lazy afternoon wrapped around like an old friend. I tried to draw Chris out, see if anything was bothering him, but he gave no intention of being more than a well-balanced, intelligent, deeply caring individual.

I flipped over to my side, propping my head in my palm. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I asked with a smile.

Chris didn't take offense, took the question in the manner offered. He thought it over. "Happy," he finally answered.

I frowned. "Aren't you?"

"Sometimes."

"Yeah, well, when?" I pressed.

"When the store has my favorite flavor of ice cream."

"Which is?"

"Butterscotch. And when something good happens in this rotten place for a change. I try to look at the little things, taking pleasure in the peace they can give even when everything around is falling apart. When I smell home-baked bread like Grandma used to make, when I'm at a love-in, and everyone around me is so full of love for each other...when I'm with you," he added quietly.

I was touched. I stared into eyes green as the ocean, honest and kind. Knowing I was in danger of drowning. Somehow, the longer I looked into them, the more I lost my fear of the water. Before I knew what was happening, I was bending forward...

Our lips met in a brief kiss, and I felt my world tilt. I pulled away and looked down at him, part of my mind grateful we were in a deserted part of the park. As if I didn't have enough questions to deal with, suddenly my sexuality was in doubt. I'd kissed another man. And liked it. A lot.

Chris smiled shyly, and I couldn't help but respond with one of my own. I brushed his cheek with the back of my hand gently, glancing down in embarrassment. "I--shouldn't have--"

"Why?" he inquired curiously. "I wasn't complaining." His voice was a forced neutral. "Hey, we should all love one another. What's the difference?" he asked nervously.

"I don't believe there is one," I told him honestly. The question I suddenly asked myself was, why didn't I think so? There was a difference between being liberal and realizing it was getting warmer by the minute while the sun was going down.

"Have you ever made it with a guy before?" he asked, more boldly.

"I--don't...think--no." Had I? Sometimes it was hell being swiss-cheesed.

"Nobody has to do anything they're not comfortable with." He kissed me chastely on the lips, then sat up.

"Let's go get some Butterscotch ice cream," I suggested.

 

* * *

 

Things were rapidly getting carried away, and me with them. I was so full of ideas and questions, I was surprised Chris couldn't hear the gears creaking. A not unpleasant tingle of sexual tension accompanied us as we bought a quart of ice cream and took it back to my house.

We watched the sunset from the big picture window that faced west, in a hushed awe. Chris got up enough courage to recite one of the poems he'd written, a whimsical piece about a certain sunset, and I learned about yet another of the things which made him a special human being.

When I told him so, he blushed. I teased him unmercifully about it, until he retaliated in a most underhanded way. Uncomfortable with his tactics, I called a truce.

The winding flow of a conversation always amazed me. I had no idea how we ended up in a gross joke-telling contest, but it relieved the tension again, to the point of a serious case of silliness. Then we sat on the couch and fed each other spoonfuls of Butterscotch.

We'd run out of jokes, so he suggested some music. I chose a Moody Blues album that was sticking haphazardly out of the pile of records. It was well-played, the grooves worn from hours of use, but not too badly to enjoy.

"That's my favorite album," Chris told me as I re-joined him. "On the threshold of a dream is where I feel like I am sometimes."

"Dreams have a habit of turning into nightmares," I added with a trace of cynicism I couldn't stop.

"Not if you have someone to hold you," he said, moving closer.

Chris was a fun person to be with, warm and pleasant and...I was attracted to him. With that first big admission came the desire to explore more of this new world. I slid closer to him on the couch, amused with myself for my shyness. Well, it wasn't like I'd ever...but, I didn't really know that for sure. It was one of the things I suddenly needed to know.

He took my cue and slid his arm around my neck. "Are you trying to tell me something?" he asked in a near-whisper.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "In my feeble way..."

"You'll get the hang of it," he promised, and kissed me.

I responded willingly, all hesitancy falling away. Our tongues met and played, sending a not-to-be-ignored burst of pleasure down to my groin. Well, they always said it was like riding a bike...

You never forget.

As I pulled his body closer to mine, vague memories crashed in on me. Of other bodies...male.

I gasped at the returning memory. Chris took the sound for approval, and began unbuttoning my shirt. I had no objection to that. I moved my lips down to his neck, eager to re-gain this part of myself, finally. Sam Beckett was bisexual. Had been since--my last year in high school.

I grabbed Chris's hand and rose, pulling him with me towards the bedroom.

 

*****

 

_...if only you knew what's inside of me now_

_You wouldn't want to know me, somehow_

_But you will love me tonight_

_We'll be all right_

_In the end..._

 

I lay in the dark long after Chris went to sleep. Remembering. I guessed it had just taken the right guy to jog my brain. It was never any big deal to me, just sometimes there were bodies other than women's in my bed. Because of my definite leaning toward women, it never posed a serious problem in my life or career.

The odd thing, the one that bothered me was something I couldn't remember no matter how hard I tried--if Al knew about me or not. He'd never given me a clue one way or the other. He was my closest friend, up until now I figured there was nothing he didn't know--and he sure proved it each time he read my mind even before I knew what I was going to do. Yet something told me I'd kept this one from him, somehow.

Now I'd have to wrestle with the question to tell or not to tell, all over again, without knowing my reasons for whatever decision I made the first time. I wasn't optimistic about the prospect. If his reaction on the gay-related leaps wasn't enough, I knew exactly how he'd feel if he found out I'd kept something like this from him for all those years.

Not that it didn't serve him right. After all, how many things had--and was--he keeping from me since I started leaping? In the name of the government, no doubt. 'The rules'. I was so sick of hearing that phrase, I was prepared to throw every single rule I could out the window.

Maybe I already had.

And I was afraid. Oh, not of losing his friendship--I knew he'd never turn his back on me. But there was something more important to me than that. His respect. If he did know, then he was keeping it from me along with everything else. Why risk being honest with him on a maybe?

So, after deciding to keep this from Al, I turned my mind to another problem. I needed to try my experiment, and soon, before I leaped out. It wasn't going to be easy, or safe, without help, but I did know Al's reaction to this one beyond a doubt. He'd fight me tooth and nail, and I didn't have time to win him over. Still, I had to have someone with me...

I looked at Chris, sleeping peacefully. I gazed at his face with a twinge of guilt. Maybe...maybe it was only fair that he know what was really going on. Sooner or later the real Neil was going to come back, and he wasn't having an affair with Chris, I was. What would that do to Chris? I asked myself how I would feel if I'd finally made love to someone I cared about, only to have him 'pretend' he didn't remember. In empathy, the pain hit as if it was my own. He'd be hurt, distrusting. Maybe he'd even doubt his sanity, or turn to drugs for solace, end up the way he had before I leaped in. I couldn't put him through that. I might have deceived a lover in my time as a leaper, but I never did anything which needed to be continued by the returning person and wouldn't be.

Until now.

There was only one solution to the problem. With luck, it just might turn out best for everyone involved.

I leaned over, shaking Chris gently.

"Mmm..." he murmured, burying his head further into my neck.

"Chris--"

He opened his eyes, gazing at me like a sleepy sheepdog, long hair tangled and almost hiding his eyes. "Throwing me out already?"

I smiled and shook my head, brushing the bangs out of the way. "I've got to talk to you, though. It's important."

He nodded agreement, only slightly wary, and settled himself more comfortably against my side.

At that sign of trust, I knew it had to be done. "It's not about us...exactly..." I began haltingly. "This is gonna sound like science fiction, or you're gonna think I'm crazy, but my name is really Sam Beckett. I'm a time traveler, and I could use your help..."

 

* * *

 

True visionaries have one thing in common--their ability to go beyond the bounds of 'normal' thought. This Star Trek baby not only believed my story--he was enchanted. With me and the story. I spent a lot of time turning down more of his questions, answering some. We discussed my theory about the LSD and worked out the specifics.

I was glad I told him right away. He knew up front that I couldn't stay and that Neil would know nothing of what happened. We talked a lot about that too, I wanted to make sure he was okay about it. I gave him a hint of a future where, while far from ideal, gays would be on a positive road to freedom. He was going to turn out all right.

And, with a little luck, we'd unlock my last door.

 

*****

 

_Give just a little bit more, take a little bit less_

_From each other tonight_

_Admit what you're feeling and see what's in front of you_

_It's never out of your sight..._

 

"So," Chris asked me at breakfast the next afternoon. "You never told me about you." His eyes twinkled at me. "You're no first-timer."

I smiled to hide my embarrassment. "No, I'm not. One of the things my leap into the Accelerator did was to give me amnesia. My memory comes back in bits and pieces. One of the things you did, thank you," I gave his cheek a pat, "was to help me re-discover another part of myself. I'm bisexual."

"Sounds interesting, tell me more."

I gave my omelet my full attention. "You don't want to hear, it's boring."

"When did you find out?" he asked in the tone of one who needs to hear the stories of others to help him along on his own road to discovery.

"My last year of high school. There was this girl I liked, Lisa, but I was too shy to get up enough nerve to approach her. Another kid at school, Lenny, had a big crush on Lisa's best friend. Or so I thought. It turned out it was me he had the big crush on." Chris chuckled. "He was just using it as an excuse to get close to me. Then, during a particularly frustrating and hot Indian summer night, we started talking about what the girls would be like in bed. One thing led to another...I think your imagination can supply the rest."

"Did it confuse you?"

I laughed. "You know, I grew up on a farm--and sometimes the male animals did things with each other. It didn't confuse them."

He shook his head in amusement. "I guess all those stories I heard about you farm boys were true."

"Not all of them," I corrected, shaking my finger at him. "Just to set the record straight--pardon the expression--I never approached any animal in anything other than friendship."

Chris burst out laughing. "And here I thought life on a farm was just dull, hard work."

"It is, most of the time. We didn't sit around all day watching the animals screw, believe me. Although," I said, remembering, "I had these two cats, Donder and Blitzen...well, let's just say they were very close." We grinned at each other, and lapsed into a brief silence.

"I could sit here and talk to you all day," Chris said with a besotted sigh.

"Not to mention something else..." I drawled invitingly.

"That too," he agreed with a regretful shake of his head. "So if I'm going back to change clothes and get ready for tonight, I'd better get out during the lull."

I walked him to the door. We kissed briefly, parting not a second too soon, as I heard the Imaging Chamber door open the minute our lips left each other.

"See you later," I said hastily, catching a glimpse of Al out of the corner of my eye.

"You got it, Sam. I'll be over around six, " Chris said, giving my arm a caress I hoped Al didn't notice as being out of place.

I watched Chris stroll down the walk for a moment, admiring the swing of his...I closed the door, bracing myself, and turned to face Al.

He was staring at me like he does when he knows I've done something he won't like. "What was that all about?"

"What?" I asked innocently.

"He called you Sam."

"Oh, that." I heaved a partially relieved sigh. "I--had to--tell him who I really was..." And what the hell kind of an excuse was I going to come up with? I wracked my brain for inspiration.

"You what? What's gotten into you?! The last time you did anything that stupid was--" he cut off, regarding me through narrowed eyes. "What's going on, Sam?"

I guess my conscience got the best of me. That and I needed something to distract him from the other truth. The feeling of almost terror when he popped in reminded me very vividly of why I had to keep the other side of my sexuality from him.

Besides, I realized I was used to having him there when things got hairy. The thought of going through something like what I was planning without him scared the hell out of me. I just hoped he'd still want to be there.

So I told him of my plan to take LSD, not letting him interrupt until I'd outlined everything reasonably.

When I was finished, he reacted--predictably. "Are you crazy?!" he yelled.

"It's a chance."

"Like the chance that got you trapped bouncing around in time?"

"It's a shot and I'm going to take it," I told him, trying to sound firm.

"Do you know what could happen?" he asked incredulously. I could tell he didn't quite believe I was serious.

"If you'd listen to me as a scientist--" I cut off, frustrated at being ignored.

His attention was on the handlink, mouth set in grim lines. "Ziggy says--"

"Al, the Project is government run. I can't trust anything he says in this."

"Yeah, but you created him, no one came in and--"

"How do I know that for sure?" I asked. "I've been away for four years, anything could have happened there. And I know you wouldn't tell me. Like the government, you think you have to protect me."

"Do you know who I'm always protecting you from? Yourself!"

"Just listen--"

"Sam, we're talking about drugs, here." He gestured wildly with his hands, a sure sign of the level of his distress. "This is dangerous!"

"So what? What about the Prohibition, Al? The Government decided booze was just as bad as drugs. They decided we shouldn't make our own choices about it. What if that hadn't changed? Maybe you wouldn't have almost ruined your life on booze then, would you? Still think it isn't the same thing?" I challenged. "Or, knowing you, you'd find a way--be a regular customer of the Speak-easys yourself."

"I could've very well come back from 'Nam with a drug habit instead of booze. Lot's of guys did," he pointed out.

"Al, the first testing of LSD was done in a VA hospital! You could have gotten hooked on anything--courtesy of your own people!" I had to try and make him see he didn't owe them that much loyalty. Although if six years in a cage didn't convince him of that, I didn't stand a chance.

I was right. His eyes took on a hard edge--I'd maligned his precious Navy. It was the military school leap all over again, only worse. "Sam, you've become a hippy. You're as bad as the ones out on these streets!"

I felt my anger build. This wasn't supposed to be about hippies, it was supposed to be about a scientist with a theory he needed to discuss with his partner. But if he wanted it, he was going to get it. "What I know is, the government cares about hate and war--those people you're talking about care about saving the planet and the people in it."

"Yeah, but I don't think they'll get too much done, they're too busy staring at lava lights to do anything about it," Al snorted derisively.

"Maybe that should be changed," I said dangerously.

He stared, open-mouthed. "Sam--you can't! You're here to save Chris and their careers, not start a revolution. Are you out of your mind? You can't!"

"Try me," I threatened. Of course I had no such intentions, I was only out to wound.

"Who filled your mind with this crap, anyway? Chris?" he spat.

"You'd be surprised at what he filled my...mind with," I taunted. Had to be careful there. I didn't want to blurt out what I'd started this argument to prevent.

"Are you planning on staying here?" he asked abruptly.

"No, don't worry. But maybe I'll leave something behind when I go," I couldn't help adding. I was on a roll.

"Sam, what's gotten into you?" he pleaded, hands out. "You're acting crazy--paranoid."

"And you're a blind sheep. How much longer will you let them screw you? As far as I'm concerned, the buck stops here." What they'd done with him was more like brainwashing. I turned more of my anger towards the government, deflecting it away from Al who stood there looking so upset underneath his anger. After all, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was all their fault. Maybe if it weren't for the Navy filling his head full of garbage, we wouldn't have to be having this argument right now, because I wouldn't have to be afraid to tell him his best friend was bisexual.

"Sam, you're swiss-cheesed. Things aren't like that anymore."

"They'll always be the same."

"They are us! By the people, for the people, remember? There is no conspiracy here."

"Oh no? What will happen when I get back? To me? To the Project? What will they use it for? To help the public--when have they ever? No, you don't have to worry about me doing anything to jeopardize my leaping out. I'm going home. And stop them."

"You're acting like you're already on drugs!" And he was starting to sound like a broken record.

"I haven't taken any yet."

"Maybe you don't know it, they could've slipped you something."

"You're talking about my friends, not the government."

"Sam, there's two sides to every story--they're only giving you their side." He spoke quietly now, trying to get through to me with that 'be reasonable' tone I always hated.

Are you trying to deny that they've turned around and punished us for the very thing they're guilty of? Remember that brief resurgence of the 60's, in the mid-nineties?"

"Of course I do. The question is, do you? Remember how many young people screwed up their lives with LSD again."

"Don't you see? That's not the point! While they were giving automatic ten year jail sentences to anyone selling three dollar hits of acid, major drug dealers were riding around in their Cadillacs and laughing. Murderers did less time! Tell me you think that's right? Tell me you really think LSD is so much more dangerous than heroin or cocaine?"

"They all should be stopped," Al said firmly.

"There's a problem with that, Al. The expensive drugs are big business. And when the drug lords do finally get caught, the government gets to auction off their cars and mansions." I shook my head. "I've been fucked up the ass by the Government so much I'm surprised I'm not walking bowl-legged. Give me a break!"

"Yeah? And where would you be without the government, smart ass?" he asked haughtily.

"Home," I answered curtly.

He left without another word.

 

*****

 

_Cool wind is blowing, through your crazy head_

_Warm colors flowing, this feeling we have shed_

_And now I'm lonely, I want to feel the love_

_So deep within you..._

 

Chris was there promptly at six, as promised. Al still hadn't made a reappearance, and I was afraid there was a good possibility he wouldn't show at all. My stomach churned with apprehension at facing the ordeal alone. LSD was a tricky thing. But if anyone could keep my hold on reality, bring me back from wherever, it was Al. I had complete trust in his ability to reach a part of me no one else would be able to. I needed him there.

I considered canceling my plans, but it was too late for that. I decided to call what I hoped was his bluff. Maybe he didn't think I'd go through with it without him, and that's why he was staying away. He wouldn't really desert me at a time like this.

Would he?

Chris and I had dinner, then went over to Jesse's to take advantage of the fully equipped lab and his being away. Chris thought it likely he wouldn't let us try anything so soon if he knew. As far as he was concerned, we weren't ready to begin yet. Even if Chris didn't know Jesse better than me, I would have had a feeling he was right. If he weren't one of those long-haired weirdos, he would have reminded me a little of Al. I found myself disappointed in Jesse. My first opinion of him had been wrong, he was actually too sane. And in our business, that meant never amounting to anything.

In no time we were ready to begin. Chris checked the tape recorder to be sure it was working, then handed me the sugar cube.

"You're sure about this now?" he asked. "No turning back, once you swallow it."

I nodded. I was scared, but there was also a small fire of excitement kindling, warring with my uncertainty. The sound I heard next relieved even more of the fear. It was the Imaging Chamber door. I breathed a sigh of relief. Sure, I'd jumped into the Accelerator without Al being there, in fact, behind his back. But that was the old me, the one I couldn't remember. And this me had become very dependent on him over the years.

"Sam, wait!" Al cursed Ziggy and Beeks under his breath, hitting the handlink, just for spite I thought.

I felt a smile breaking out. "You should've relied on your own instincts instead of others," I told him. So they had thought I would call it off without Al.

...They might have been right.

"What?" Chris asked.

"Uh--I said follow your instincts while I'm out there. You know, if you have your own interpretation of something I say or do, write it down. Stuff like that."

"Okay. Anytime you're ready."

I took a deep breath.

"Sam..." Al said quietly, fear in his voice. "Please reconsider this. We don't know how it could affect your brain while you're quantum leaping."

"I can't." And his presence had given me the strength I might not have found otherwise.

"Can't what?" Chris asked.

"Turn back now." I swallowed it.

Al's eyes closed for a moment. When he opened them again, he was the picture of control, shoulders as rigid as stone, face a neutral mask. I knew what was underneath, but it didn't frighten me. He'd get me through, like always.

 

*****

 

_Your love's a never-ending dream_

_A castle by a stream_

_Of sweet understanding_

_I know you're thinking of me too_

_The message is from you_

_Are my inspiration..._

 

The first thing I noticed was a slight drifting off of part of me, gently. It reminded me of the way the smell of mom's apple pie baking would carry on the summer breeze. I cocked my head, watching it, amazed that I could actually see a smell, floating on the air. I was in a new, enchanting world, one of the few to have a glimpse of the universe within. It was filled with strange, exotic things that had no names. They danced around me, chattering in their native tongue.

Part of my mind could still hear Chris and Al talking to me. Chris was asking something, but I only knew that because I could feel it.

"I can feel a thought!" I cried inside. The dancers leaped higher. Al was trying to get my attention. I relaxed into the image of his voice, wrapping me up in a silver cocoon. A delightful thought came to my eyes. If I could feel a thought, why shouldn't I be able to feel thin air?

I tried to coordinate myself enough to go to Al, but no matter how hard I worked at it, I didn't seem to be getting any closer. Frustrated at not being able to put this theory to a test, I flung myself through the air toward him, arms outstretched. It failed. They closed around nothing. Emptiness. I ended up falling through a dark hole.

For a terrifying moment, nothing existed. No light or feel or sound or...nothing. I looked around wildly, trying to get my bearings. Trying to find Al. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Plenty of people carried on conversations while tripping, yet suddenly I was alone. I was at least supposed to be able to hear him--how else would he be able to call me back?

I fought down my panic, knowing it would be my end if left to nurture itself. There was something coming towards me. It was a multi-colored ball, pretty colors I'd never seen before. I had to have it. My whole being centered on getting that ball. But the more I tried, the more it bounced away from me. It was there, I could see it clearly, teasing and dangling before my eyes. But every time I tried to reach out, it wasn't there.

Things were not going the way they were supposed to. Where was the secret? I lost interest in the ball, concentrating instead on looking inside. I needed to find something else, not a ball. This hallucination was getting boring.

The next thing I saw changed my mind. It was a baby. Not a baby infant, but a baby...a baby what? Not human or animal, but very alive. Alive with promise, it glowed. I crawled carefully over to it, reaching out, wanting to cradle it in my arms. Before I could touch it, I took a better look and recoiled. It was still-born. Something which wanted to breathe so much, but would never have life. Never feel the sun of love. It would have been so beautiful, left to grow wild and free in the land of its making.

Horrified for it, I reached out, hoping to coax it back from never never land. I closed my hands over it--too tightly. It crumbled in my grasp like pieces of a dried, rotted heart.

"No!" I screamed when I realized what I'd done. I backed away. Something unseen but whispering tripped me, and I landed on my butt. "This isn't supposed to be this way..." I sobbed. Nothing was right, there wasn't a single familiar thing to focus on. The mind couldn't function like that, there was nothing to grasp onto.

"Sam!"

I held my breath, listening, hoping it would come again.

"I know you can hear me, Sam. Give me a sign, will ya?" It was a frantic voice. Finally there was something that wasn't inside out.

"I can't see you!"

"Shh..." he soothed. "It's okay, I'm right here. We're just gonna talk you through this, okay?"

I clung to the voice like a life-preserver, riding the rocky waters of the unknown sea of confusion. "I'm scared..." I whispered.

"This is going on my list, Sam," Al teased in a strained voice. "I'm keeping track of everything you do that you need a kick in the butt for. When you get home, you won't be able to sit down for a month!"

I heard the words, even the ones he didn't say, because I wasn't listening with my ears. I heard with my heart in this world.

I dared open my eyes and look around. Could it have been as simple as that? The darkness hanging over me like a shroud only due to me having my eyes closed? No, not my eyes. I wasn't using them to see. But it had gotten lighter while we talked.

Suddenly, a blinding spray of colors bombarded my senses, painful with their intensity. I cried out, trying to cover my ears and eyes at the same time. For a moment, I couldn't hear Al, but with more concentration, I got him back.

"Are you still with me, kid?"

"Al??"

"I'm right here."

"Where?"

"Sitting right in front of you."

"Turn down the volume," I found myself begging. The only problem was I had no idea what it meant or why I said it.

Al mumbled something. There were some more sounds I couldn't place, and I didn't know if they came from me or the outside. But abruptly, I could see Al again.

My eyes watered in happiness. "You're beautiful, Al."

He smiled, but it was tinged with sadness. "I'm sorry, Sam. We didn't know--didn't think you'd be affected by the neural link like that. It should be okay now."

The words didn't make sense, but they weren't important to me anyway. Now that Al was here, I knew it would be all right.

"Stay with me, Sam..." his voice coaxed.

That was exactly where I wanted to be, but it seemed obvious, so I didn't bother trying to say it. It was a struggle to pull up the language.

"It shouldn't be much longer now," he promised.

Much longer...there was something in that, important. Longer... time. It was time. But time didn't exist for me in this world, the word had no meaning. It was not a sense, just an abstract concept, created by human beings to better understand the world their limitations made almost uncomprehendable. I had no such limitations.

I reached out once again. This time my hand closed on a warm arm.

"What are you doing?" Al asked quietly.

I drank the feel of the solid flesh under my fingers, like the rarest wine. "Can I have a hug?" I asked timidly, finally taking my eyes from the hand on his arm to look at him.

"A--w--what??" His voice shook and he was regarding me strangely. "You--you can feel me?" he asked haltingly.

I nodded, waiting. "You owe me one of those, too."

"More than that...God, this isn't fair!" he said, looked upward. He turned back to me. "I'm afraid I--can't be much help there. You're the one tripping. To me you're still just a hologram."

But he held out his arms for me. I went into them gratefully, holding on and feeling really safe for the first time since I started leaping.

He was crying. A single, silvery tear floated down towards me, and I held out my hand, catching it. I closed my fist around it protectively, bringing it to my heart for safekeeping. For awhile all I was aware of was warm, living arms. I wanted nothing else.

Finally Al's voice drifted in. "When are you going to stop pulling these famous stunts of yours?"

I sighed contentedly and snuggled closer. "It was worth it."

There was no sound from Al.

The silence had an exclamation point. Maybe an ellipsis, trailing off meaningfully...

"Since we're here, how about figuring out the retrieval program's glitch?" he finally asked.

"Retrieval program?"

His voice, when it spoke again, had lost some of its hope. "Figure out how to get you home?"

"Home..." The specifics were fuzzy, I tried to bring my mind back enough to understand. "I--I am home." I held on tighter.

"Ah Sam..." Al sighed, his voice a breeze tickling my soul. "What are you trying to do to me..."

What did it all mean?

Suddenly there were other sounds intruding like an unwelcome guest. I shook my head to get rid of them, but it didn't work. Al was looking at something I couldn't see.

"I don't understand...what's going on?" I asked.

Before Al could reply, something was starting to pull me away from him. I could feel myself entering another level and I didn't know what it would bring. If Al wasn't coming, then I didn't want to go.

"No!" I yelled, reaching out to re-establish contact.

Suddenly Al's strong arms closed around me and pulled me into him. They tightened like steel, unwilling to let go. That and his sharp intake of breath told me all I needed to know.

But the other force was greater. I was losing ground, being pulled backwards into the unknown void.

"Oh God, please--not yet!" Al's agonized voice cried as the contact was lost completely.

The secret, I needed to take it with me. But it didn't make any sense, I couldn't hold onto it. Unable to stop what was happening, I sobbed Al's name and struggled to free myself from the web entangling me.

"No! I am home! I AM HOME! I AM HOME!!"

Like a gunshot, it became still. Then I heard Al's worried voice again, telling me everything was okay, over and over and over. There were tears in it. I checked to be sure mine was still safe, that they hadn't taken that away from me.

I heard an alien voice. My eyes were closed again, I guessed. Al was urging me to open them. I didn't want to, but if he wanted me to, I would. I opened them.

"Dammit, Chris, what the hell did you two think you were doing?!" a very angry voice was yelling. I recognized it. It was Jesse.

I was back.

"We--I--I'm sorry, but we--" Chris wasn't doing a very good job at explaining. And how could he?

"It's my fault..." I found I had a real voice again. "It was my idea."

"Why, Neil? Why?!"

Now that one sense had come back, I was rapidly tuning into this frequency. I was on the couch, Jesse supporting me, Chris huddling beside me.

"I--needed to try and find something out." Talking myself out of this one wasn't going to be easy. I glanced at a harried Al, giving him a warm smile to let him know I was okay.

He responded with a relieved sigh, the tension visibly leaving his body. I saw something else there in his eyes, too. It hadn't been just a figment of my imagination. Al and I had been able to touch.

"You're a good friend," I told him simply. Such a meager phrase for all he was worth. But it pleased him, therefore, I was glad.

"That's not going to get either of you off the hook with me," Jesse was saying. "Of all the stupid, dangerous stunts..."

"That's what I said," Al piped in, nodding.

Jesse was on a tangent. He left me to Chris, and began pacing. "If I can't trust my own partners to act like the mature professionals they're supposed to be..." He stopped, pinning us with an evaluating gaze. "I'm going to have to do some heavy thinking." He was deeply disturbed, his grave eyes showed.

"Oh, bingo!" Al crowed, looking at the link. "You did it, Sam! I don't believe it! Tonight's fiasco convinces Jesse that maybe this type of experiment is too dangerous for anyone to be fooling with after all. He puts it off indefinitely. He and Neil stay with the college until they retire, do the usual family bit. In fact, uh oh--Neil marries the girl Jesse was with this weekend. They stay friends, though."

"Chris?" I asked him.

"He drops out of the hippie thing in a couple of months. Eventually...becomes a committed member of ACT UP..." Al's eyebrows raised in surprise; not having any idea that Chris was gay, I guess it came as a shock to find out he would become active in a gay-rights group.

I smiled at Chris.

"Are you okay now?" he asked, handing me a glass of water.

"You are a mind reader." I accepted it gratefully and took a gulp.

"I wish I was, maybe it would have worked."

"I didn't say anything important at all?"

Chris shrugged. "Mostly weird stuff that I couldn't even try to interpret. But you did answer me when I asked the question."

I sat up. "What did I say?"

"You said, 'I am home'. Does it mean anything?"

I glanced at Al. Maybe, in a way, I was. I reached out, cupping Chris's cheek in my hand in a farewell.

And leaped.

 

_Love lingers, it never fades away_

_Like you are waiting, for our special day_  

_My love is burning, like a forest fire_

_My heart is beating, I feel the warm desire_

_And now I am lonely, I want to touch the fire_

_So deep within you..._

 

_On the threshold of a dream..._

 

end

 

*all lyrics from the Moody Blues

 

4/29/92


End file.
